April 7, 2004

Children and Domestic Violence

This last monday our topic in training was how domestic violence effects children.........

When we got in the training room there was playdough on our chairs and toys in the middle of the room. We were told to pick out one puppet and one sand tray figure that we were drawn to. I was a little late in the picking so the selection was slim. I went to grab a cute fluffy monkey as my puppet but someone got to it first. So I got the monster from the book "Where The Wild Things Are," which is a awesome childrens book if you've never read it. My sand tray figure was a lizard because it reminded me of my friend Kristin who I haven't seen in awhile.

So we watched a video and was told that we could play with the playdough during the video to reduce stress and tension. The video looked at 4 real families and the effects on the children. One story that really stands out is the story of David. David lived in an abusive home till he was 5. His mom left his dad and they were going through counseling. Things were getting better so when he was six his mom agreed to let his dad come home for just the weekend. One night during this weekend David wakes up to screaming. He runs into his mom's room to find blood everywhere. His dad is sitting on top of his mom. His mom's throat has been slashed. He jumps on his dads back and starts hitting him and telling him to stop. His dad stops and goes into the bathroom where he commits suicide.

Now David is 24. He is married and has a 3 year old girl and an infant boy. While he is not physically abusive to his wife, he is constantly telling her that she is stupid and he's going to leave her. He is afraid that he will snap one day and hurt her. They show them interacting in their home with their children present. They are fighting, he is being verbally abusive to her. He tells her he is going to leave her, wants a divorce, ect.... All this time, their little girl is in the room. She follows them around the house trying to interupt them so they will stop fighting. She clings to her mother for comfort. She looks so sad. I never saw this little girl smile or laugh during the entire video. They almost completely ignore her while they fight. At one point, the mom and daughter are on the couch. The girl is curled up in a ball, face down. The mom says to the camera about her daughter "I think she's doing okay." Obviously, this mother is clueless as to how her daughter is doing.

So after the video we discussed the emotional, behavioral, and psychosomatic (the effects to your body due to an outside influence) effects of domestic violence. I'll give a short list of each.

Emotional: Depression, anger, powerlessness, guilt, fear, ect....
Behavioral: Drugs, fighting, attention seeking, withdrawn, shy, suicidal, ect...
Psychosomatic: Headaches, stomachaches, nightmares, eating disorders, hair loss, ect..

So then we discussed the types of personalities of these children.

1) The Parentified Child:
-They have trouble playing with other children because they don't know how to be children.
-They like to be the leader
-They are the "helpers" in the classroom
-They are perfectionist
-They are not carefree
-Tired from taking care of younger siblings

Why?
-They take on the parent role at home.
-They can't relate to other children because of the high level of responsibility they have had to carry

2) The child who acts out:
-The bully
-Won't follow directions
-Out of control
-Disruptive in class
-Often boys

Why?
-Models the behavior of the abuser
-They don't have power at home but they can at school
-They can't verbalize that something is wrong

Interesting finding: They are starting to find children are being mislabled with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) when they are in fact from a domestic violence home

3) The Pleaser
-Needs to be noticed and acknowledged by the teacher
-If not noticed....feelings are hurt
-Brings teachers gifts
-Wants to be liked
-Usually girls

Why?
-Doesn't get attention at home
-Feels invisible and not valuable at home
-They are trying to earn attention/love
-Often told they can do anything right

4) The needy child
-Unable to work on their own
-Always needs help
-Hard time concentrating
-Gives up easily
-Has a hard time with tests

Why?
-Low self-esteem
-Feels helpless/powerless
-No sense of accomplishment
-Has no control

5) The Withdrawn Child
-Doesn't ask questions
-Doesn't join group/few friends
-Sits alone at lunch
-Nervous/anxious
-Sad

Why?
-Doesn't want to draw attention to themselves
-Needs to hold family secret
-No support
-Internalize as their fault

Talking about this topic is very personal to me because I spent some of my life in a home with domestic violence. I'm open to discussing it, I just never volunteer the information unless asked. I see a lot of myself in these personality types. I fit into every catagory except the child who acts out. As I've gotten older and especially after I moved out on my own, I have grown out of some of these personality traits. I still struggle with some of them. I cry easily, still have some self-esteem issues, I have a lot of phobias, I doubt myself, scare easily, I have a lot of anxiety, and I still have problems with nightmares. I'm slightly a perfectionist and have some control issues. Most of my phobias have to do with control. I get very anxious when I feel I'm not in contol. Just to make it clear, neither of my parents were abusive to me or each other....but my mom has been married 3 times (I'm the product of number 1)...(this saturday, April 10, will be number 4) and stepdad 1 and 2 weren't so great. Compared to others who end up in abusive relationships themselves, or addicted to drugs, or in jail, I came out pretty good. I only had one boyfriend in high school that was violent. I was a junior. During the relationship he wasn't too bad....he tried to come off like he was playing...except I didn't think so. He would pinch....a couple times hard enough to leave a bruise. He hit and kicked me softly a couple times. After I broke up with him, he punched me in the eye. It bruised but not too bad...I covered it up with make-up and my hair.

Next week is "Introduction to Unlearning Oppressions" ...should be interesting



Posted by Tonya at April 7, 2004 10:40 PM | TrackBack
Comments

Please do keep posting about this stuff. I've been learning from your posts and I think it's good stuff.

I'd be interested if you get any information about the ways that people abuse each other (physical is certainly the easiest one to "see", but there must be other methodologies too that result in the above behaviors - belittling, etc.)

Posted by: cshell at April 8, 2004 9:49 AM

A lot of the children that are effected by domestic violence aren't abused themselves (many are, but not all). A lot of the effects listed are from verbal abuse. Especially low self esteem. They are constantly being told they aren't good enough, they never do anything right, ect... My moms second husband used to call me a pig and tell me I was fat, ulgy, ect.... I was like 7 and was not fat at all but that was his way of making me feel bad about myself.....and it stuck with me. Kids internalized what they are told and think it's their fault. "If only I was better dad won't hit me (or hit mom)" ect... That can lead to perfectionism. If they are perfect than everything will be okay. The problem with verbal abuse is that it's not legally abuse but it has horrible effects that last a lifetime. Your self image is formed while you're young, and if you're constantly being put down and called names and told that you're a bad person thats what you begin to think about yourself. You look up to the adults in your life and if they say negative things about you over and over you begin to believe them. It takes years to fix the verbal abuse you recieve as a child.

I'll keep posting and I'll try to answer any questions that people have.

Posted by: Tonya at April 8, 2004 1:17 PM