Tonya and PQBON's WebLog

Counselor Training

Shelly asked that I post information about my training to be a domestic violence counselor.....so that is what resides in the extended entry. I just want to mention how happy I am that Shelly is taking an interest in my vounteering and considering it for herself.

In the future, I will post things that others may be interested in helping out with. For example, I know that one of the fundraisers includes a marathon.....(Amanda). I will also continue to post my training experience.

The first day of training was Saturday morning from 9-1pm. The first part was normal getting to know each other and the organization stuff. Dreaded icebreakers and such. It was interesting learning about support network and the services they provide and don't provide. (www.snbw.org). They offer counseling, legal help, shelter, community education, teen programs, ect... They don't offer services for men, transitional housing, and transportation, along with a couple other things. Of course, they have a 24 hour crisis line, which is what I'll be doing. The number is 1-800-572-2782 if you know anyone who might ever need it.

Next, we got a introduction into domestic violence. Legal definition and then what it really is (the police can't do anything about verbal abuse, but it is still abuse). We also discussed barriers to leaving. I found it interesting that the speaker said how so many people don't understand why the women don't just leave and that people will often say "If I got hit I'd leave the first time," so then when I started talking to Will after my class this was one of the first things he said too. So for his benefit and everyone else I thought I would include the list of barriers we discussed in class. There are some things to remember when thinking about a woman in a domestic violence situation. Domestic Violence is about control and power. Since 85-90% of the violence happpens to women this is going to be from a male is the abuser point of view. In a lot of the cases, the abuser controls most of the aspects of the victims life, the money, the car, her friends (or I should say lack of), where she is, who she's with, where she works....ect. This is not a normal healthy relationship....that has to be kept in mind. So barriers:

1) No financial access. She has no credit cards because he doesn't allow it. She does not have a check book. He gives her a small allowance. She has no job. Why does she need one? To have one would take her out of his control for a large part of the day. He wants her to stay home so he knows where she is at all times.

2) No transportation. They only have one car which he takes to work with him. This keeps her from leaving him.

3) Children. This might seem like a reason to leave but many women don't want to cause (yes they blame themselves) a broken home and if the abuse isn't happening to the children than they think its not affecting them. Which is totally false.....but moving on. What if you don't get custody. What if Child Protective Services finds out and takes your kids away from you?

4) Guilt. They tend to blame themselves and part of that is because the abuser blames them. "If you had only _______ I wouldn't have hit you" "If you weren't _________ I wouldn't have hit you" ect...... after hearing this verbal abuse for years they start to believe it.

5) Culture and religion. In many cultures, women can't leave their spouse. Think middle east, India, ect...

6) Family. Kinda goes with Culture and Religion.

7) Fear. Fear of death, fear of independance, ect..... Most of the women who die are trying to leave at the time.

8) It's normal. They have lived this way for years and maybe they grew up in a home with domesic violence and to them its a way of life.

9) They have no friends. Their partner won't allow them to have friends. They are kept isolated. They have no one to talk to, no one to help them, and they don't know what resources are available to them.

10) They think it will get better. This isn't necessarily something that happens everyday of the womans life. It only happens occasionally and he apologizes and says it will never happen again and you believe him. And then things are wonderful, until the next time.

I could go on and on but I think I'm making my point. Try to put yourself in her place. You have no money, and no where to go. So how are you going to feed your kids and yourself? If you leave, where are you going and how are you going to get there? What if he finds you? Thats just short term. What are you going to do about a job if you have no skills? How are you going to find housing. What about your kids? You may have to change their schools....what about daycare? If you have a baby, can you afford someone to watch them while you work. Probably not if you're working for minimum wage since you have no skills. What about lawyers? There are a lot of barriers for women in a domestic violence situation....its not so easy to just leave. Especially if in the back of your mind you're thinking "but he said he'd kill me and the kids if I tried to leave."

Scary fact: Domestic violence often begins during a woman's pregnancy because of the increased tension and stress it causes. About 17% of women reported physical or sexual abuse during pregnancy.

The next training was monday night. The supervisor of the crisis line and a long time volunteer talked to us about the types of calls they get and what we are supposed to do. We roleplayed a couple situations.

Basically, our job is to give options not advice. We are there to listen and try to empower and educate not to rescue the victim. We are supposed to help them come up with a safety plan. Stuff that I would never think of because I don't feel threatened in my home. Like, If your partner is angry don't be in certain rooms, the kitchen or garage where their are weapons. Don't get cornered in the bathroom. Keep gas in the car. Always make sure your cell phone is charged. Keep a small suitcase in the truck of your car. You're supposed to let them know about the services that are available for them. That if they have no place to go, we have a shelter. Or to connect them to other resources they may need. Mainly, we are there to listen and care when they have no one else to talk to. We are not there to tell them what to do. We assume that they can make decisions for themselves. Their partners has been controlling them and they need to take charge of their lives. If we were to tell them what to do we would just be taking the place of the abuser.

This entry was very long and I know I've left out a lot. If you have any questions ask.

Posted by Tonya at March 30, 2004 11:08 PM | TrackBack