Tonya and PQBON's WebLog

Dan Savage on men and porn

The Onion A.V. Club | Savage Love

A few months ago, my fiancee found some of my porn videos and threw them out, telling me how much they upset her. We've been dating for six years, and as of two years ago, I have been officially banned from going to the strip club with my friends. I should also mention that whenever an attractive woman walks by, I have to look at the floor for fear that a stray glance will enrage my fiancee.

Her take is that looking at other women borders on cheating. She cried and cried this evening, sobbing that she doesn't understand why I need to so much as look at other women, saying it makes her feel like I'm not satisfied with her. I feel that pornography isn't cheating; if anything, it probably prevents a lot of men from cheating. By the way, my fiancee is a beautiful girl with a great body, so I can't understand how low self-esteem is such a factor. Any suggestions?
Porn Controversy

First, a little insensitivity: You would have to be an idiot to marry this insecure, inconsiderate bag of slop. She throws your stuff away? You can't look at a pretty woman on the street? That's the sort of crap you squelch before you marry someone, PC, unless you're really looking forward to that first divorce. If you love her and want to marry her, do her the favor of leveling with her: Of course you're not satisfied with just one sex partner. No man ever is! Men aren't wired for monogamy. Period. It's one thing for a woman to ask her man to make that commitment and be faithful; it's quite another for that woman to ask him to pretend that he's not even remotely interested in having sex with other people-to pretend, essentially, that he isn't a man. The true measure of a man's love isn't that he doesn't desire others, PC, but that he doesn't act on his desire for others. If your fiancee can't see that, well, then she has no understanding of men's sexuality and, consequently, no business being in a relationship with a man.

Once more, for emphasis: I wouldn't marry this woman if I were you. If you must marry her-if you love her and stuff-then you'll have to do what millions of other men in your shoes do: Tell the wife what she wants to hear, hide the porn, and pray you don't get caught.

And now for a little compassion from Loftus: "Pornography shocks a lot of young women because they don't understand the role it plays in many men's lives. Tell your girlfriend that you aren't comparing her to the women in porn-you aren't, are you? - so it's not an expression of dissatisfaction with her. It's just another way of expressing your sexuality. But if your girlfriend's mind is made up about this, if she isn't willing to listen to you, then maybe you should think about whether this relationship is worth the constraints she insists on putting you under." Which is Loftus' compassionate way of saying you would have to be an idiot to marry this insecure, inconsiderate bag of slop.

Posted by pqbon at September 25, 2003 4:48 PM | TrackBack